WHAT IT’S ABOUT: Illegal immigrant Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) lives her mundane life as a janitor until a group of aliens attempt to kill her. She is saved by Cane Wise, a genetically-engineered warrior from the DNA mixture of Channing Tatum and some pointy-eared creature. Jupiter then learns that Earth is one “farm” in an intergalactic industry run by the powerful House of Abrasax, and the fate of Earth’s inhabitants is eventual harvest to produce a youth serum. More importantly, Jupiter also learns that her genetic code makes her the reincarnation of the late matriarch of the House of Abrasax, and thus the rightful ruler of Earth. Caught up in an inheritance feud with the other three Abrasax heirs (Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth and Tuppence Middleton), Jupiter must attempt to use her new authority to save her loved ones on Earth.
WHY SKIP IT: It is so bad. From the philosophical geniuses that brought us The Matrix, we now get this messy, dull and almost pathetic Sci-Fi flick that does not accomplish anything it set out to. It feels like The Wachowskis have jumped ship to the all-money-no-substance camp of Hollywood, because that is exactly what Jupiter Ascending feels like.
Instead of developing any of the characters and plot during its two hour run, the movie instead wastes it time on random and untimely attempts at humour and a forced, passionless romance. Really, Jupiter and Caine only love each other because they have to; you could actually feel a studio executive hounding The Wachowskis to include the obligatory love story.
As for the deep, profound message we expect from The Wachowskis (who had us questioning our existence with The Matrix), Jupiter Ascending only seems to suggest social critique on capitalism, conservation, and the rights of crops (believe it). Possibly, it critiques badly-written wills and sibling rivalries as well.
Combine all of these with cardboard acting and no suspense, Jupiter Ascending does not look good at any angle. It just might be one of the worst movies of the year.
WHY WATCH IT: This is a toughie. If you love the star-studded cast and special effects and have the time and money to spare (the Abrasax warn that time is the more valuable commodity), then suit yourself. Also, if you find tremendous entertainment keeping track of plot-holes, Jupiter Ascending is a theme park. At the end of the day, it is movies like Twilight and Transformers: Age of Extinction that keep Jupiter Ascending from being a disaster, because as much as it pains us to admit it, we have seen worse.
Rating: 1.5/5 (TALK-o-meter: “That was such an epic fail.”)